ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine