Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.