Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Bringing back this classic

this makes me so uncomfortable

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.