ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick