ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
🤣😂🤣
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.