Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway