Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

🤣😂🤣😂

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.