Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.