Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
bags with threatening auras
