Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.