Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.