Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do