Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I identify as an antique shop.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
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s
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
what day is it?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !