Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
yeah 😭
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”