ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
You Might Also Like
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
the council will decide your fate
*pronounces surface like Versace*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.