Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.