Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

honey, bring out the fine china.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?