Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool