ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*