Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Saturday

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

Ape together strong

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Breaking news:

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”