me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Hank is one in a melon.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
What the hell is going on?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire