@TheMichaelRock

Me: We need to hire smarter people.

HR: Why?

Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?

HR…

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@RobbyActually

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

@WigCannon

before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do

@Rollinintheseat

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@Tbone7219

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit