Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me: We need to hire smarter people.
Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables
They taste like shit