Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*mops up wine with cat*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…