Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
How do you milk an almond?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me buying fruit and veg
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me