Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.