Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn he’s good

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”