Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?