Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it