Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude