ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
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Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
GM✌🏻
