Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

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-Librarians arguing

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Limited budget

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

The “baby” on the left….

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Children of the corn 🌽

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.