ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu