Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Now imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.