@FeelingEuphoric

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

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@LuvPug

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

@WheelTod

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

@dildointherough

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@lanyardigan

Now imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.

@BestScienceJoke

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@Beerhaze

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.