me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?