Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

No flush

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”