@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

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@Leemanish

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

@ranndrew

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

@sfjdotcom

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@Sickayduh

“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@WilliamAder

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

@ArfMeasures

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals