me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
jesus: “keith?”

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Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.


me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”


KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.


Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…


So…we’re conserving toilet paper, but eating all our food?

I don’t think we did the math on that one.


Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.


Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?


when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title


Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!