me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
jesus: “keith?”

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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.


[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”


The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.


“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread


When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.


“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks


HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals