me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.