me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You Might Also Like
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.