Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow