Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve