Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I love you to the refrigerator and back
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.