ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?