ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half