ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I triple waxed for this?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.