ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.