ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You Might Also Like
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”