Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in