Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.