Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My kitchen overserved me.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.