Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Oh hi lol

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you