Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

“i am a sweet baby”