me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
😬
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I can’t deal with men any longer