Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

let’s discuss

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.