me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project