Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.