Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt