Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*