@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

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@valenty__

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

@weinerdog4life

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@DadZZZasleep

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off