Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Yup
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Just as the prophecy foretold
