Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was