Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.