Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio