Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

shampoo implies shampee

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

🤯🤯🤯