Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Yeah. This was me today.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

My dog ate my work from home.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail