Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
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What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Erm…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
when nothing goes right… go left
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I wish this was real life…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.