Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Rude much 😂😂😂

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there