Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.