Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it