ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Oh the world we live in…
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
tfw you realize …
