ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I’m not proud
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.