Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

…u ok Nintendo?

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

$4 #usedbooks

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER