Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.