Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
You Might Also Like
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
When I laugh on my period
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings