Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”