Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

This probably isn’t good

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?