Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.