Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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“Worm Regards”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
welp
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.