Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

[montage of me giving-up]

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Waiting for the Charmin

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.