Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Covid like
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next