Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Voodoo map
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming