Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Shower sex be like:
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
how to have an accident 101
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!